The Importance of Support

Support systems are a sum total of the important people you surround yourself with and the unique gifts they bring into your life. Your friends, family, colleagues (to some extent), and intimate partners all weave together to create the ever-changing support system that is uniquely yours. The support they provide will have a huge impact on what you are able to accomplish, how fully you will be able to develop your potential, and how happy the journey is along the way. The types of support they provide can include tactical, emotional, financial, advice/counsel, physical, and more. People with a strong support system tend to fly high ... like an acrobat bouncing off of a trampoline. People with a weak support system have less to help propel them up; thus, they struggle to get any altitude, some even falling through the cracks.

While fixed (and dependent on luck) at birth, our support systems do grow, shift, and change. By adulthood they are largely self-created. We are no longer at the mercy of biology to determine the strength and quality of our support system. We have choice in determining who we surround ourselves with, and this choice is often overlooked as a means to foster and support personal and professional development.

You choose your spouse, you choose your friends, and, while you don’t choose your colleagues, you do choose who you hang out with at the water cooler. You likely are still affected by your family of origin, but you determine the depth and breadth of that relationship. Choosing wisely on all of these fronts can make a huge difference in who you continue to become, the standards you hold yourself to, and how able you are to reach a higher level of achievement and personal satisfaction (whatever that looks like for you).

This month, we will focus on the choice of spouse. Your spouse, most often, is the person who will have the single biggest influence on who you will become throughout your adult life. Our morals and values will inevitably blend with those of our spouse, and their beliefs about who we are and who we should be will shape us beyond measure. If you are looking for a mate, or looking for a mate again, consider this:

• Through time you will likely live up to, or down to, your partner's expectations of you. Pay close attention to your partner’s perceptions of you. If your partner views you as something you do not aspire to be, take note. If they see in you things you wish to be true about yourself, then hang around a bit. It’s likely to rub off. If your partner doubts your potential or your dreams and fails to see the "real you" deep inside, consider moving on. Read this one again.

• Consider whether your partner makes you feel whole in your own right, or dependent on them to be complete (they make up for your deficiencies). Either can and will be true with time. If they imply or tell you outright that you cannot exist, succeed, or be happy without them, you’ll likely not be happy with them. Partners who see you as complete and whole will treat you that way. They will have more respect for you, and you will have more respect for yourself.

• If your partner had to gamble big, would they bet on you? Knowing you have a partner who believes in you, enough to risk with you, will give you added courage to face the challenges required for all big ventures (which are often required for big rewards).

• Is your partner supportive of your path, even when it diverges slightly from their path? Building a life with a partner who is inclined to criticize, doubt, and complain about things that are important to you is like taking a bath with someone who keeps pulling the drain plug. Energy, motivation, determination, courage ... all are drained from your pool. Few people have enough strength on reserve to keep their life moving while loosing massive amounts of energy down the drain at the same time. Partners who encourage, support, make possible, provide, help, accept, believe in, and stay brave with you will allow you to accomplish more ... period.

There are ways to compensate for insufficient support at home. But if you are in a position to choose, remember this: support systems start and end at home. Choose well.